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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I am just so incredibly stressed out. 

There's this guy in my art class and he's really nice, he shows me a lot of cool stuff pertaining to music and art.  I came so close to asking him if he wanted to "hang out sometime" because he always lags behind to talk to me after class, but then I just didn't.  I don't know why.  I should have.  Now I have to wait until Thursday to see him.  Then on the way home I just started crying, I'm always crying, crying, crying now.  I fell asleep crying, I woke up crying, and the slightest thing can set me off during the day.  Now I'm home, with tons of work to do.  My mother is breathing down my back about finding my brother.  It's really depressing, he's been gone for a week and a half and we know where he is but my mom's too puss to go get him and make him come home and I don't have the power to make him come home.  So I don't know.  I have to study for math and work on my art project and fill out Finaid and try not to think about Timi. 

He called me last night- at first we were just talking about cool fun happy stuff, but eventually I brought up the nasty business, and he's just being so cruel and harsh and unyielding.  We talked until it seemed we were out of words- stayed on the phone, silent, for a long while...  no one knows what else to say...  But we're supposed to get together on Wednesday, the day he gets back.  I guess we're going to say goodbye.  He keeps telling me that it's not goodbye forever.  But what the fuck.  I guess that's supposed to help.  I learned that he didn't really ask the girl out.  It was Joel, his sister's fiance.  So I guess everybody in the whole family knows, and they all know how pathetic I'm being.  I just love him so much. 

I've said this a million times, that all you have to do is fall in love with someone and everything else will work out.  But I guess this is a testimonial that that is so not true.  And it's quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I can not see myself ever loving someone else.  I guess that's the way things are supposed to be.  I'm losing my best friend. 

Michael called me last night before I fell asleep and it was really good to talk about things.  I'm being almost completely silent about the whole thing to most people.  Ben has been around a lot, but I haven't said much because it hurts just to talk about it.  My mom knows nothing about it, not that she would care anyway.  I just have this facade up.  Nobody likes an unhappy camper.  And that's exactly what I am.  Camping in unhappiness.  Hopefully this phase will pass quickly.  Michael is so strong.  I don't see how he does it. 

I feel so empty. 

Well I guess I'll get going. 

Posted at 2/3/2004 4:54:32 pm by Pixieinflight
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Monday, February 02, 2004

goodbye blue eyes
goodbye happy skies
its time to move on
forget all that was wrong
look for new horizons

fuck being poetic.

I will miss you.
I will always love you.
Please come back.
Please just love me.
I'll die inside without you.
my insides are withered
my heart all clenched up.
Must stop reaching for things that aren't there
So I have to pretend you don't exist
Have to pretend we didn't happen
three years and we still can't get it
something must be wrong but neither of us knows what.

it must be me.
I deserve to be punished
I deserve to be without you
I deserve to be black inside
I want to disappear
How foolish was I to believe anyone could love me
someone like you, with blue eyes lovely
I wish my tears could turn me into a puddle of water
Even so, I'd never fit inside the key hole
I'll never get out
I want to swim in a different pool
And if you don't love me then who else could
you know my heart and soul,
every thought and need

I just want to die
cuz it'll hurt less than this I feel

Posted at 2/2/2004 2:17:27 am by Pixieinflight
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Just a quick note here.

I want to melt into a puddle and pour myself into the sewer drains. 

That's the basics.  Timi is going to go on a date with someone he asked out.  He won't tell me her name or where he asked her out at but I think it was the mall.  He says she just looked interesting so he asked her out. 

I just want to crawl into a hole and not deal with any of this shit anymore. 

Fuck me, I want to die.

Posted at 2/2/2004 1:40:50 am by Pixieinflight
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Thursday, January 22, 2004
trying never got anybody anything

When/if I'm an adult with kids, I'm never going to teach them that trying your hardest is ok.  So many times I just think, oh it's ok that this or that is messy.  I tried my hardest.  It becomes some excuse for lazy people.  No.  The only thing that matters in the end is "does it look, sound, feel, taste good or exist well in some fashion." if you really try your best you'll do it right.  Bottom line.  It doesn't matter if you work for a week straight on a term paper.  If it sucks, it's just that- a sucky paper.  People don't care how hard you worked on something, they don't respect it...  Even though they should.  We should stop teaching our children to live in a fantasy world.  Do things right or don't do them at all.  If you're really trying your hardest, it will show through.  This would teach children higher competence for that big dark world out there. 
Sorry, I was just thinking about that.

Well it's been a whole lot longer than it seems.  I thought it had been like 2 days but it's been 5.  I've been sooooo caught up in school.  I'm really thriving and enjoying things to their fullest extent.  Art class is great.  We had our first criticism class today.  We got these projects and we had 2 days to work on them, and then everyone posted theirs and we talked about the good and bad aspects of them.  It went really well, and I think everyone went away happy.  Well, almost everyone.  It's so great being in that room.  You just know everyone thinks with the same side of the brain that you do.  We're all weird, and we enjoy it.  It's wonderful. 
Speaking of art class, I think this guy in there likes me.  His name is Sam.  He seems pretty cool, and he brought CDs today and I like his taste in music.  I don't know if I like him or not, but he seems interesting.  And I think I come across as interesting to him as well, which is my aim.

I keep having this thought, and it's really working out for me, that all I have to do is set a small goal for myself.  If I accomplish it then I am happy.  Period.  Not that I shouldn't push myself, but this thought is really relieving some stress for me.  Like at the club.  My goal was to get out on the dance floor and dance and to make Jovan feel comfortable.  I did those two things, and even though the trip wasn't all that great, I was happy!  And in art, I made my goal for the first project to just put something on the paper, and to tell a story with it, with a decent amount of talent and proficiency.  This I accomplished, and I am very happy with where I am.  Of course, there are still things I can do to it, and I even learned more by bouncing ideas back and forth with the others.  Daily goals include getting up, dressed, having breakfast, and leaving on time for classes.  The eating breakfast thing is new to me, but it's helping out a lot, just like all those healthy people said it would. 

Michael is having a terrible time.  He gets so sad, which is just what happens when a relationship with someone you love comes to a fault point.  I try to be there.  I think things will turn out for the best- whatever happens. 

I've been talking to Heidi more and she's doing well.  We make each other happy when we talk, and I'm glad we're still in touch. 

Timi is in Charlotte.  He's doing work for his dad's employer which includes making websites for $30/hr, which I guess is pretty good.  I hate to say this but I hope he takes care of me with some of his money.  The situation is just out of hand sometimes.  But anyway, I miss him some but I'm mainly caught up in school, so I have something to kind of fall back on whenever I get lonely.  Art, English, Math, and Sociology are all going well.  I'm doing!  I almost said "I'm trying really hard."  But I'm really 'doing' really hard.  Heh heh.  I'm such a dork.

Kia is back at school.  I haven't talked to her much, but I think she's doing ok in her classes and everything.  I kind of hoped she'd meet a guy at school, so I'd know there is hope for me. 

Well I guess that's all for now.  I love talking to myself.

Posted at 1/22/2004 5:06:16 pm by Pixieinflight
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Saturday, January 17, 2004
the moat around the castle

La la.  Well tonight I had to work.  I basically slacked off all night.  I was on the phone the whole time.  Heidi called me a couple of days ago (after being urged by Coleman) and so I called her back.  It was really good to get to talk to her.  I really miss her and love her.  She's probably the one thing about leaving Lander that I regret.  Her and Ms. Cohen.  She really was a great teacher.  I just remember how much I improved under her.  Heidi is such a delightful person.  She's always happy on the outside and even though she may not have a deeply insightful understanding of me, she's one girl I can actually tolerate hanging out with.  And she always lends an ear.  I think if I ever really needed her, I could count on her to be there.  So there was talking to her, and conversing with Coleman about the plans for the night.  Also, Jeremy (aka pizza boy) called me.  He's this guy that asked me out when he delivered a pizza to my hotel.  His tickets got stolen so we didn't get to attend the concert he wanted us to go to.  Basically I spent some time with him, and gave him a fair chance at being my significant other, but he's boring.  Plus the unartistic thing.  So I've been avoiding him for like 3 months now.  I never return his phone calls and he does not get the picture.  He only catches me when I'm at work.  Tonight he called and when I picked up the phone he said something like "damn it's good to hear your voice"  which is really a nice thing to say.  But coming from the wrong person, all it can do is make the receiver roll their eyes.  I was both flattered and annoyed.  So he was talking, and he kept begging me to go out with him again.  Trying to convince me to like him.... He asked me why one too many times.  I decided the subtle thing wasn't working out so I told him flat out that he wasn't artistic enough for me and I knew a relationship like that would only lead to heartbreak.  I told him I would get bored really easily and so I wouldn't be happy and then it would start affecting the relationship and would make him miserable as well.  This was a small chisel in his skull.  Then I told him I didn't even like the music he listens to and that I need someone I can relate with on music because it's my first passion.  He was like, I LOVE MUSIC.  I had to keep explaining to him, NO, I want someone who knows classical music to share myself with.  Then he was all dejected sounding and was like, I can change... I told him I don't want anyone to change for me.  Then he was quiet for a minute and finally said, "Wow, there's definately more to you than I first thought."  He persisted a little more, asking how I "knew" the relationship would fail when I hadn't even given it a chance.  I told him I don't have to, and truthfully I don't.  I just don't like him and nothing is going to change that.  Then we got off the phone for a while to do our jobs (he was on delivery duty).  So then a few minutes later he calls me back and is, like, cool with it and not needy or anything.  He apologized for begging at me and says that everything I said makes sense to him now, and though he is disappointed, he wants to be my friend.  Happy ending!
Moral of this story:  Do not let things drag out.  If you continue to be straightforward and honest, things can only go well. 

So those were work things.  Coleman and Jovan showed up at 11.  We got some food (Jovan fixed some healthy shrimp for the two of us) and Coleman had a burger.  Then we were off!  We drove out to Spartanburg only to find Coolworld has been closed down for 6 months.  No wonder we couldn't find it in the phone book!  So we tried this other place, but it was full of these redneck... creatures who yelled at Coleman when he went in to check it out.  We were out of there in a flash.  After much debate (Coleman being a little too homophobic for my taste), we decided on the Castle!  I was really looking forward to it for Jovan's sake.  I thought it would be good for him to see the place, because he is bi but I'm/no one's supposed to know.  There were cooler people there this week.  Last week it was like, all 40 year old lesbians.  But we walked in on the end of a drag show.  I didn't think it was as good as last week.  Then the dancing started back up again.  Oh, I'm sorry, we got there at like 2.  So of course Jovan was like, really really closed up and very shy.  Coleman was like, I dunno.  He was talking loudly and insultingly, thinking no one could hear him.  It really got on my nerves and I had already told him before we got there if he felt uncomfortable we shouldn't go because it would ruin the vibe of the whole place.  Which it did.  Thankfully, I accomplished my goals.  I actually stepped out on the dancefloor this time!  Also I think Jovan was glad to be there, and I got him to open up a little.  We also saw a certain person, who was there for the pure sake of keeping himself from sitting at home and crying.  Coleman is just so... closed minded sometimes.  I wonder why he chooses to be my friend a lot of the time.  Then he got all upset when I told him more people were checking out Jovan than him.  Andy wasn't there and I wanted him to be.  He is ultra sweet.  There were so many hot guys and I was so jealous that they are on the other team! 

So that was awesome.  Jovan said the only part he didn't like was smelling so much like a club afterwards.  Amen to that.  I feel like it takes me all week to get that smell out of my hair.  Overall, I think, a successful trip.  Jovan says he wants to go with me next week.  I don't think Coleman should go.  He was just... a little too skeptimistic.  Is that a word?  It is now.  Here I am trying to help Jovan and he's like badmouthing gay people.  He's a dirty fucker for that. 

Anyway, then we came back to the hotel and watched bad tv and made fun of bad BAD soft porno.  Heh heh.  It was just so funny. 

Then I started falling asleep so I got my stuff together.  Coleman walked me out and while he was smoking a cigarette I got a second wind.  So we went to Waffle House.  Justin, a guy from my past, was there.  Also some college guy sat at the table behind us and was talking randomly to us.  He was actually cute.  I was on the prowl.  Everyone was cute tonight.  Hee hee, just kidding.  I wouldn't know how to pick up a guy if he landed in my lap.  Ha ha, I kind of like the way that sounds.  lol.  OH I forgot the a) most important or b) lest important aspect of the Castle.  When we first were coming in, this really short girl came up to me and told me I am so beautiful!  I don't care if she was rolling or drunk off her ass, I feel good about that.  No matter the validity.  Her friends pulled her out the door and I said..............
Ta-da:  "Thank you."
>>>>>>>>>*airplane falling from the sky* sound..........   <<<<<<<<<<<<<
crash and burn.
Oh well. 
After Waffle House we wandered around downtown for a few minutes and I took Coleman back.  So now, me thinks me will sleep.
Thanks for listening, whoever's out there.    

Posted at 1/17/2004 7:22:41 am by Pixieinflight
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Friday, January 16, 2004

Today is a tired day.  I'm just a little sleepy.  I don't know why.  I went to bed early. Oh well.
I went to my new math class.  It was my first time in class, and it's "fast paced" so we had the first chapter test today, even though it was only the 4th day of class.  It was luckily basic stuff, so I didn't have too much trouble.  Actually I got off kind of easy because I didn't have to hear him talk about a bunch of boring stuff I already know.  I had to switch to this class because my other math class is an interactive course and we sat in a classroom while a recording taught us on the monitor.  I didn't have an access code because I bought my books used.  And at that point I didn't feel like paying $100 for a code.  So I switched.  The bad part is now I have a class on Fridays.  The good part is since it's fast paced I get out in March instead of May.  Hurrah!  That will open up time later on in the course for drawing stuff.  I'm so happy with my schedule and my life right now. 

The flute players I'm teaching are doing really well.  Memory is doing a little better than Kimberly.  I taught them to read (the basics) and they are so exceptionally bright.  I'm being hard on them too.  Actually June (Memory's mother and my boss, also Timi's oldest sister..) upped the price of the lesson herself because she knows I was charging too little.  So now I get $10/hr, and with 2 hours a week it's an extra $80 a month that really helps out.  Oh and this girl that sits beside me in drawing class started talking about playing violin and said she's playing in a wedding and the lady that hired her really wanted a flutist and asked me if I'd be interested in playing.  I was like, hell yes!  It'd be worth it just to make some money.  That scares me though.  I kind of hope she won't need me because I haven't been on a regular practice regiment.  But after this month I would be glad to do stuff. 

La la.  Better get some clothes started.  Will write tomorrow as I won't be home until late or possibly not at all tonight. 


Posted at 1/16/2004 2:14:46 pm by Pixieinflight
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Thursday, January 15, 2004

My dog is SO cute.  No.  You don't understand.  She is so freakin cute.  Mmmm.  Her name is Cookie.  I love her.  K
Well, the thing about the cops, well the first incident is that my best friend Timi is shooting his movie.  He was shooting near his old house and it was a scene with a "thug" and the main character.  The thug in the scene has a gun.  Not a real gun.  It's really a lighter but it's imported from Tokyo so it looks pretty real.  But anyway, of course when people are out doing stuff like that it calls attention to them.  There were various viewers- old ladies... and other rubberneckers of that persuasion.  Of course, Timi would hold up his camera if they stopped to show them it was all fake.  Usually people just continue on their way.  One other time the cops were called too, but once they saw the guns were fake and there was a movie being filmed, they laughed it off and left us alone.  Keep in mind I was not with Timi.  I was at the club.  Anyway, this cop gets called.  He shows up and yells at everyone (Kia, Timi, Memory (11), Brian (thug), and Denny (main character) to get down on their knees with their hands behind their heads.  They have to sit like this until the guy's backup shows.  About 5 cop cars come careening into the area, almost running over the camera Timi was using.  They start screaming at all 5 of my friends to get face down on the ground.  They cautiously exit their vehicles and begin patting them down, frisking and the like-  Including the 11 year old.  Then they realize it really is a movie, and they start yelling at Memory to show her ID, and for everyone else to give them theirs.  About 6 times Memory was asked for her ID.  Six times they were told she was
11!  They finally got it through their pea sized pig brains that no one was doing anything wrong, but of course they had to fulfill their sense of justice.  So they start picking on Timi.  "Why are you making a movie, son?"  "Little girl, where's your mother?  Why are you out here at 1 am?  You must have a bad mother.  Your uncle's stupid...."  so on and so forth.  Memory was extremely shaken up and now hates cops.  These cops were extremely forceful and overly exertive. 

Needless to say there are things are being done about this excessive behavior. 

The other thing about my brother is stupid so I'm not writing about it. 

I am so happy about my art class.  I am just having so much fun.  I'm experimenting.  I still have a few supplies to buy.  Yay!

Tomorrow night my friends Coleman and Jovan are coming up from Greenwood.  We are going to Coolworld, a club in Spartanburg.  It should be fun.  After my (newly added) class in the morning I'm going to spend all day getting prepped.  Then at 5 I have work.  They are coming around 11 to pick me up.  Then we're hanging out at the hotel I work at for the night.  I might stay there with them or I might go home.  Probly go home, make things more comfortable.  Then on Saturday I am going to go art supply shopping.  Timi is coming down from Charlotte for his sister's engagement party.  This is good for me because now I can give him his accordian!  I really hope he likes it.  If he doesn't, I'll just take it back from him and sell it back to Ebay.  Buy him the cheap one he wanted.  I'm sure he'll love it.  On Saturday night if Timi can't hang out I am going to try and hang out with my mom.  She just bought hand parafin for Christmas for herself.  I was thinking we could watch a movie together and do girly stuff.  She'll enjoy that.  She gets so emotional sometimes because all three of her children have grown out of that closely physical stage.  She thinks it's because of her, but it's just because we have grown up some.  At least I think.  Either way it's not because of her.  Isn't that weird when people think you think something mean about them but there are completely different reasons behind why you do what you do or say what you say?  My mom's like that.  Bad about assuming things.  I remember when I was like 14/15 she would search my room when I was gone and spy on me.  She'd get into my journal and read stuff and then try to call me on it.  But she'd never come right out and say anything to my face.  She'd just casually mention something and try to catch me doing something wrong, just to have a reason to be angry with me.  She'd misunderstnad something I had written and get all mad and/or offended.  I finally just had to start keeping things in, because even when I tried to talk to her about the things she would blow stuff out of proportion.  I'm glad things are better now.  We get along pretty well.  My brother's relationship with my mom, on the other hand, is quite different.  He's angry and pretty masochistic.  Today he had to go to the nurse because before he left for school in the morning he broke a mirror open with his knuckle.  He needs stitches now.  So that's pretty scary.  Well....
My mom needs the computer so I'm gonna scat. 

Posted at 1/15/2004 10:35:38 pm by Pixieinflight
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I just want to say, I like doing online journal because it gives me a chance to express feelings I wouldn't normally express in social settings.  This is my private journal.  If you don't like the things I write, don't read them.  I feel no need to defend myself for any of the things I've said.  I talk about things in retrospect because the past has had strong influences on who I have become today.  Things I say in my journal are purely my opinions on how I saw life at one time or another.  And, as a note, I talk about myself as well as others.  I'm not downing any one person.  You know what, fuck this.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  Simple.   

Posted at 1/15/2004 9:11:48 am by Pixieinflight
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
long time no write

Hello all.  I am so sorry I have neglected to write this whole time.  I'm such a freak!  Well, of course a lot has happened.  I just managed to find some spare time.  I'm about to take a nap because I am getting so run down, but I just wanted to write a little, hopefully another time I can catch you people up formally.  Well.  We just had the holidays.  Everyone came home from college.  Kia visited.  We didn't get along for like the first half.  But by the end we were pals.  We just have a lot of feminine energy and a little bit of competition.  Who knows for what.  I think intelligence, for the most part.  I think I find being around intelligent people challenges me, and that's good for me because I get a lot of motivation from that.  The only bad part about Kia coming up was that she didn't give me as much gas money as I expected.  I guess since she doesn't have a car it doesn't matter to her as much and she just doesn't understand what a pain in the ass gas is.  But anyway everything else was good.  She bought- scratch that, "got a Gamecube for Christmas" and that was pretty fun.  We had sucky games though.  Anyway.  Michael came up from USC and we had a lot of fun.  Sometimes I find it challenging to entertain him.  Then I get offended when he gets bored.  I think we just have some different interests, or opinions.  I just feel kind of let down when he's not happy with doing something I normally enjoy doing.  But it still doesn't change the fact that I love him.  Besides we get along really well, and that is more than I can say about most people in my past.  We went to the Castle.  It was ok but I realized I was watching people.  I realized my bisexuality could never extend to more than what it is now.  I like watching people, and I didn't feel weird being there, but Michael and Hampton were a coulple, you know?  And I didn't have anyone and no one was checking me out or anything.  Which was fine.  I mean, I don't think I really send out a signal anyway.  Plus there was the fact that I was kidnapped and I didn't feel good about myself in the first place so I was not very confident and you just can't go to a club if you aren't confident.  You don't make any impact.  You're a bummer and people feel like they have to watch after you, like a baby or something.  So that part sucked and when Michael got up the courage to dance (after a couple of drinks... ew but it wasn't really a problem) they went on the stage and I was just kind of left to sit on some stairs.  It was then that the third wheel feeling really came into play, and I was in tears and decided to go home because how loserish is that?  But yeah it was really fun before then, it was actually the first time I had seen gay people.  Like, together.  I didn't know if it would bother me.  I didn't think it would, and it didn't.  It wasn't even an issue.  I'm just making it an issue now, in post analyzation.  Even got to see my first drag show.  Interesting.  Soooo.  That was that.  I didn't hardly get shit for Christmas.  I went to my grandma's for Christmas dinner.  My dad and his people were there and they hardly talked to us and did not hang out with us.  It was good to see my grandma.  Sigh.  I didn't get any of the movies I asked for.  I also didn't get my number one wish item, the Lord of the Rings trilogy books.  I plan to buy them asap.  I got Timi an accordian.  it came in the mail yesterday.  A key sticks.  But it's cool- I've never seen one closeup.  I think he's gonna love it.  Sigh.  I am so freakin busy.  I just started school at Tech.  So far it seems really exciting and I am doing really well.  I have a drawing class, sociology, english, and math.  Ew.  My drawing class is going to be amazing.  I've already produced two charcoal drawings for my enjoyment.  One last night and one a few minutes ago.  I am bursting with creativity.  I could just scream I am so excited aobut this course.  Though it will be a whole lot of work.  I have to go shopping to get all the rest of my supplies tonight.  I'm going to kill Timi.  He left me and his mom with the rest of his basement stuff to clean and take care of.  I'm really mad.  I don't have time to take care of his shit.  I should really tell him that too.  I could be getting more important things done tonight!  Fuck me!  Jaron got the cops called on him last night and After the club experience last Saturday I found Timi and his movie crew (including his 11 year old niece) got the cops called on them.  I will explain both of these in detail later on, but right now I want to sleep for like 15 and then I'm off to give 2 one hour lessons to Memory (the niece) and Kimberly.  Then the basement.  Woo hoo.   I need energy.  Well, people.  
Oh yeah.  Watch out for egg drop soup.  It burns us. 
Peace out homie G's.

Posted at 1/14/2004 4:34:59 pm by Pixieinflight
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003

La la.  I am currently struggling with whether to go to Greenville Tech this semester or not.  There are so many reasons I should, and so many reasons I shouldn't.  I don't even know if I'm ready to do well there or not.  I'm so afraid!  I think what I should do is keep working at esa and just take flute and guitar lessons while going to school.  Spend all my money on that.  That would make me happy, and I'll be working on my core curriculum at school, and the whole reason I need to do school is so that I can get my GPR up so I can go to a better school soon.  If I don't do that then it might take me longer once I do decide to go.  Yeah.  I mean, I considered moving out and trying to live on my own.  But I would have to change jobs and look for a job and an apartment.  Either way I go I will be spending money somewhere.  I think I better do it at school.  Then I can work and just take lessons whenever.  The dilemma with school was that I have to pick a major before I can get any money.  That was freaking me out, but I can still just go and take core, I mean they can't MAKE me take stuff for the major I choose.  It's my decision if I just want to waste time there right?  I hope it won't be a waste of time.  I just have to do well.  I have to.  I can't stay out of school another semester.  I may end up not even going back.  And I can't do that.  I even want to go back.  I miss having something to strive for.  So it's decided.  yay.  I made a decision.  That in itself is an accomplishment.  Yay.  Well folks I have more to write about but not right now.  I have to get a shower. 

Posted at 12/10/2003 4:26:49 pm by Pixieinflight
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